Can we just talk about we couples?

We couples are the absolute worst. What is a we couple, you ask? A we couple, as defined by Webster's dictionary (OK, maybe not Webster's, but it should totally be on Urban Dictionary), as a couple that can't do anything without the other. Literally anything from climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, to going to the bathroom. EVERY story told starts with "Well, we were..." and anytime one says we (as in "We will totally be there!") there is no question as to who the second part of that 'we' is. We really hate them.

Have you ever tried to have a normal everyday conversation with one or both parts of one?

"Oh hey! How are you?"
"We are doing great! How are you?"
"Oh, I'm good... So... What did you have for lunch?"
"We had a Chickfila! It was awesome! After that we ......"

Blah blah blah. We we we. We are sick of it. Be your own person! Eat lunch by your self! Or at least don't talk about it like you are joined at the hip. You have your own hips. Sharing hips is awkward. Period.

I understand that you are close. I understand that you love each other or think you love each other (here’s looking at you kids of the twitter generation...) but really? Really? I know you think the sun shines out of the others rear end, but it doesn’t. WE would really appreciate it if you decided to be your own people. Do life together. Enjoy that. Stop saying ‘we.’

We really appreciate your cooperation .
Maggie (and SJ)

Well, shit. I promise that we are just besties.

Can we just talk about being in love with awkward fictional characters?

I promise, this is a real thing. Not only is it a thing, it's a widespread problem that our society is advocating. Maggie is freaking obsessed with them. It's like  all of the sudden, we as a culture have decided to make awkward cool. You think I'm joking? Ok, I'll prove it.

Example A: In 1999, society met their first awkward boy in one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME, 10 Things I Hate About You. No, I don't mean the love of my life, Heath Ledger. I would assume we can all agree, Heath is not awkward in any way shape or form. His shape and form are excellent. No, I'm talking about his costar's character: Joseph Gordon-Levit's portrayal of cute little Cameron. Y'all, I'm not talking about Hot Joseph Gordon-Levit that made all of us swoon in 500 Days (another movie with an awkward boy) or Inception (but really, the suits, people!), but pre-hot, pre-famous, pre-smooth Joseph. Cameron is the bumbling, unpopular, new kid who gets love-struck by a popular little princess. From the get-go, we ALL want Cameron, not Joey Donner, to get the girl. Why? Honestly, I think it has way more to do with the fact that we all kind of hate Joey Donner..

Example B: In 2003, the first awkward heartthrob came on the TV scene in a trashy (and I mean that in the most loving way possible) teen show known as The O.C. Seth Cohen. Oh Seth Cohen, how we love you. Seth was the eternal outcast, a pale, comic book reading, Death Cab listening, video gaming dork in a Southern California land of tanned water polo stars and rich and famous lifestyles (cue the Good Charlotte theme song). Seth had a bashful, self-depricating disposition that really shouldn't have been ANY kind of attractive, but no. His sarcastic wit and boyish charms made him the boy of Maggie's dreams. Literally. On top of that, no matter what how many shades of annoying Valley-Girl-Summer-Roberts splashes all over the screen, Seth is forever in love with this one superficial girl. He's faithful. Painfully so, continually prostrating himself at her feet, and she finds him irresistible. The kid has a toy horse that he talks to, but the female population overlooks that because of his humor. What? Maggie is sitting next to me while I type saying things like, "...cause he's adorable!" See my point? This make no sense people!!

Example C: In 2012 a singing awkward boy made became the latest obsession of all of my awkward loving friends (they exist. Why, you ask? I don't understand it either). When Skylar Astin played Jesse in Pitch Perfect, it was all kinds of uncomfortable. He's socially uncomfortable, he's a bit of a puppy dog, and he's completely unapologetic about his awkwardness. Y'all, This boy brings juice pouches and Rocky on a date. He's the boy who sat in the back of your 7th grade band practice and composed his own musical masterpiece on his trumpet for the short film he was working on. But it doesn't matter, he's the guy of Maggie's dreams.

Ok, so now that I've shown you a couple of pictures of the type of men I think America likes to glorify, I would like to let you know why I have
a hard time relating to loving these boys. First of all, I like manly men. I like guys who look like they just walked out of the mountains or got off the back of a horse. I like facial hair. Not annoying ironic hipster mustaches, REAL facial scruff. I like guys who can hold their own in a fight. I like men who have no idea what the latest social media trend is. I love men who drink their coffee black, not because they want to look cool in a coffee shop, but because they don't like to fuss with all the sugar and cream in frilly drinks. I like farm boys and mountain men and guys who watch sports. I like a man who's first instinct is to kiss me, not to deconstruct my outfit (trust me, it happens.). Maggie calls the guys I'm typically attracted to, "Men of the Mountain Persuasion".

Now, I'm not saying my tastes in men is better than other girls, and I'm sure other girls think I'm selling sensitive guys short, but MAN y'all! I just wanna yell, "Dude, grow a backbone! Man UP! Dig deep and find some confidence."

Maybe that's the issue. Maybe it's all about confidence. What happened to all the confident boys? Can we bring some of them back into the teen dramas of today? This girl would be appreciative.

Loving Ryan Atwood, Sir Lancelot, Patrick Verona, Chuck Bass, Aragorn, William Wallace, and Jeremiah Johanson,
SJ--

PS:
In case you still have doubts.....Peeta Mellark, Ron Weasley, Cory Matthews, Tom Hansen, Nick Miller, Ben Wyatt, Marshel Erikson, Peter Parker, Anthony Hall (In general), Chandler Bing, Ross Geller, Steve Carell (also in general), Paulie Bleeker, George McFly, Edward Cullen, Jasper Culler, Jeremy Gilbert, Samwise Gamgee, Luke Danes, Harry Potter, Chris Carrabba, Marvin McFadden, Dave Rygalski, Drew Baylor, Hercules, Jim Hawkins.....

Can we just talk about being best friends?

We have a lot to say on this topic, so we promise more later, but for now, this. 

To finishing each other's sentences, Cheers. 

Maggie and SJ

Can we just talk about Nala?

I mean, holy freaking cow. I know this seems incredibly late since the movie's been out for years on years, but just let me get this out: The Lion King in WONDERFUL. You know, cute little lions cubs running around the Sahara, getting into trouble. Sounds pretty damn fun to me. Aside from the whole getting chased by hyena's bit, I could totally have been a lion cub once...but I digress...

 ...bare with me here people. That cute little lion cub runs away from who he is called to be, and when his lady catches up with him, she's not happy. Nala looks at Simba and basically says, "Dude, you're the king. Quit your whining and MAN UP." And then, he does. Simba stumbles out of that darkness and fear and becomes the kind of King worth remembering; the kind of king that Queens swoon for; the kind of King that leads his people.

So maybe I just elevated my status to Queen, and maybe that's a little ridiculous, but this is my blog post. Get off my back! Boys, if a girl challenges you to step up and lead, it's probably because she thinks you're a BORN LEADER. Period. So stop running and start believing that you are capable of greatness. Nala's firm belief in Simba inspires him to be brave. I want to be Nala when I grow up. Doesn't every girl grow up hoping she can be the lioness that can match a boy's passion in a way that reminds him to get his act together and RUN back to Pride Rock?

So maybe it's a cartoon. Maybe it's about a bunch of animals in some random safari land somewhere, and maybe they sing a lot. Say what you want, I DO NOT CARE. The Lion King is all about redemption and about stepping out in bravery. I will always support bravery. What can I say? I'm a girl who really loves brave boys. And Lions. Sue me. 

Smiling with Pride at the brave Lions of the world,

SJ--

Can we just talk about over tweeting?

Mmhmm. I love being a part of the twitter generation. You know the people I'm talking about. I mean, the "I just worked out. #sosore," or "You know me! Just makin a PB&J!" kind of people. Attention, you twitter people, I DO NOT CARE. I mean, go on with your bad self. Make that sandwich, get yoked (OK, boys, not too yoked. There is such a thing, I promise) but do not tell the world every time it happens. If this is your first sandwich ever, or you had some crazy fear of sandwiches, I would be very happy for you, maybe even happy to read it on twitter, or if you haven't worked out since you were thirteen years old, maybe (just maybe) it deserves a tweet. But YOU, twitter population, are excessive.

SJ often looks at me and says "Only tell stories about the kids you babysit if they are really really good stories." And I will admit that I often am excessive in my story telling, but I only tell people who love me enough to tell me to shut the hell up. I mean, you guys are cool, I guess, but do I love you that much? No. I mean, maybe we can grab coffee if you want, but in a super casual way. If you are a twitter person, I can almost guarantee that we will NEVER be best friends.

Twitter is pretty stinking inspirational. For the sake of full disclosure, I often look at other people's tweets and in my mind shout "Mmhmm. PREACH!" But where you and I differ, tweeters, is that I don't feel the need to retweet everything that "speaks to my sweet little heart." I mean, every once in a while, yeah. Go for it. Maybe someone else needs to hear it just like you, but if I look at my timeline one more time and see a fifteen tweet streak from you (or someone like you), I will proceed to screen shot all of them and send them to my friends, and we will mock you mercilessly.

And to the twitter people who hate on twitter people, who the heck do you think you are (barging in on me and my guitar)? Do you not realize what you are doing? You are making fun of yourself! Saying things like "Stop tweeting everything you do and go outside." TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE. Put that phone down. Play a board game, do a puzzle, anything mundane enough that you deem unworthy of a 140 character synopsis.

Rant over. Well, as over as it can be for now.
A concerned Twitter user,
Maggie


P.S. Taylor Swift called, you are never EVER getting back together. Like, ever. No matter how much you tweet about it.

Can we just talk about sunscreen?

Ok, sunscreen is the absolute WORST. I mean, sunburn is bad, and I plan on avoiding it if at all possible, but I really hate rubbing or spraying some sort of thick, toxic smelling liquid all over my skin.

The worst part of this whole sunscreening process is that I'm pale. I'm borderline ginger complected. I don't tan, I freckle. After an afternoon in the sun, I don't turn into a bronze bombshell, I revert back to being a twelve year old with a million freckles.

On top of that, if I don't wear at least two solid coats of nasty sunscreen, I get absolutely FRIED. We're talking like completely red. So no matter what, even if I'm never going to have tan skin, I can't just simply not wear sunscreen. I'm forever locked into slathering my freckled skin with a repulsive liquid that makes me smell like a lab rat from a chemical explosion. Yeesh.

Here's to the gingers, (and those of us that might as well be)
SJ--

Can we just talk about TCBY?

Seriously. The Country's Best Yogurt? More like best freaking yogurt in the whole freaking world. I mean, the white chocolate mouse is too die for and the grapefruit sorbet is absolutely perfect. And really, TCBY on Northshore? A drive-thru? Far too tempting for people with no self control like me. I mean, maybe I've been 5 times in the past week; maybe it is not rare for me to go twice in one day. I have a serious problem. In conclusion, grapefruit sorbet fizz, you have bewitched me body and soul and I love, I love, I love you.

Hi, my name is Maggie and I am addicted to TCBY.
(Hi Maggie.)

Out.

Can we just talk about ordering hot chocolate at coffee shops?

So I always order hot chocolate at fancy coffee shoppes. Always. Go ahead all you black coffee drinkers, start throwing those judgmental glances my direction and pretend to enjoy that insanely strong tar you you're addicted to. How on earth is your bitter caffeine buzz any cooler than the sweet, creamy, hot chocolate warming up my hands? Let's do the math: creamy, smooth, sweet chocolate > strong, watery, bitter beans. Period. 

I don't care how it was roasted, what country it's from, or how long it was brewed. Unless it tastes like ice cream, I can guarantee you I won't be drinking it. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a great cup of dark chocolaty goodness, and I am definitely not less cultured than you just because I'm not addicted to espresso. Y'all, quit with the sidelong judgmental looks and not-so-subtle scoffs. My IQ did not, in fact, drop when I didn't order coffee. I'm not ashamed, people.
I love my hot chocolate. 

Love and Chocolate,
SJ--

Can we just talk about this whole vampire culture?

...but seriously. What the hell? I mean, let's all just take a step back for a minute and think about it: they are cold, dead, murderous, blood-sucking animals. If we put all the living creatures on a food pyramid, they're on top. They can think. That should TERRIFY teenage girls. But no, Edward freaking Cullen walks in and BAM! We're all supposed to fall in love? Are you serious?
I mean, look at the storyline for the Twilight movies: Boy meets Girl. Boy wants to eat girl. Boy stalks Girl. Girl falls in love with creepy cannibalistic Boy. Boy fights his natural urges, turns Girl into another blood-sucking non-living creature, and we cheer? I'm sorry, what?

Ok, yes, I'll admit, Maggie and I are unashamedly OBSESSED with the Vampire Diaries. Judge me. Dare you to watch 4 episodes without getting addicted. That fact aside, we are completely aware that this obsession is strange and unnatural.
It's not like any of these stories have any lasting literary or true artistic value. Sure, they deal with the hard issues of life and death, and they're a decent enough outlet for teenage angst, but what kind of love story is twilight? One where the boy has to babysit a girl who can't seem to say no to trouble. Rule of thumb: if Taylor Swift has a song about it, you need to take one LONG, hard look at your life, and evaluate your choices(Que. I Knew You Were Trouble). Bella's a sociopath, and it's far from romantic.
Why on earth is our generation so obsessed with loving monsters? Is it some teenage sense of danger? Or are we simply always trying to love the boy who can't be saved? If you ask me, we all need our heads examined. It's like we're all intrigued by death or something.

Food for thought, but I am not food.
SJ--

Can we just talk about sand?

I freaking hate sand. Especially when it is out of place. For example, ANYWHERE BUT THE BEACH. I mean, lets be real. I hate it there too, but sandboxes are the freaking WORST. Today I think that my hatred of sand really hit it's pinnacle. I discovered the worst type of sand. Sand that has been freshly peed in. Yep. Pee sand sucks. Especially when my darling three year old friend Josie thinks that the fact that she just peed in the sand was HILARIOUS. News flash, little girl: Pee sand is not funny. Pee anywhere but the toilet is not funny. Pee in the toilet isn't even funny. Pee is pee and sand is THE WORST. Especially if it is nowhere near the sunshine where I can take a nap and get a tan.

Nanny out--

Maggie

Can we just talk about Joseph Morgan?

Can we all please just take a minute and discuss Joseph Freaking Morgan? I mean, come on! He has one of the best accents in the world. SO unfair to the female race! His voice is like velvet and chocolate and mystery all wrapped up in an incredibly sexy British accent, completed with a bow of piercing blue eyes. Good grief.
And those eyes...yeah, they're like the most expressive ever! It's ridiculous. They're the kind of blue eyes that made you run into lockers when you were in high school (oh yeah, friends, that happens. Don't pretend like you've never been there).
Pair those baby blues with a beautiful smile AND dimples! What the heck? It's like the perfect boyish look: dimples and mischief.

Then he goes and uses words like "sweatheart" and "love". Just in case you hadn't melted before, don't you worry, he'll turn on the verbal charm and BAM! He just sort of exudes this adorably bashful boyishness, and instead of being awkward, he becomes the most attractive man EVER. You're in love with someone you didn't knew existed 5 minutes ago. You're welcome.

--Cheers,
SJ--

PS: this is one of the few men that Maggie and I agree on. That's how much of a babe he is.

Don't believe me? Watch 25 seconds and tell me I'm wrong.